You, on other worlds
What a bathroom scale would read if you carried it round the solar system, and how many of each planet’s years you have lived. The scale survives. It is that kind of scale.
Your mass stays the same everywhere, so nobody is being rude. What changes is how hard each world pulls on it, which is what a scale measures. The giant planets have no surface, so their figures are the average at the cloud tops; a fast spin makes you lighter at the equator and heavier at the poles, and on Jupiter the equator figure is about a tenth lower. Earth birthdays follow the calendar; the other worlds count whole trips round the Sun. Ages follow the site clock, so winding it forward shows your birthdays arriving. Gravity and year lengths are from NASA’s planetary fact sheets.